If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
