every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
