who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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