Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize