Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Shame - the story of my life.
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