I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
