my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
