Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We need to get me chipped asap
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize