ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
