the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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