So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
