Fuck appropriateness.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
