She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
