They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
