Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize