I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize