you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
