i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
