ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
