Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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