i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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