The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
