I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
