im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
