we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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