His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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