I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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