Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize