Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
