my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
