I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
