Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
