I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
