I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
