So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
