I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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