Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
