You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
