omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
