Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
