How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
