Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
