On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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