Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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