The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
