Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's never too late to be topless.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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