Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize