Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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