I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize