I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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