If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
