Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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