If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
