Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
