I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
