when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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