Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
