my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
