If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
