if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
