I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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