Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
