My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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